Training Day 13

Today was amazing. I went for my long distance run/walk today. I got up just in time to beat the heat. By the time I got back home, I was drenched in sweat and the temperature was steadily climbing. It was suppose to feel like it was over 100 degrees and I am really grateful that I got up early enough to run while it was still at a reasonable temperature.

The run was...amazing. I am still not able to run the entire length, but I did run farther than I had in a long time. I was even able to conquer a hill or two while I was running. My legs did not hurt as much (due in large part because I finally took the time to properly stretch). And the best thing of all...I got another nod from a fellow (and extremely attractive) runner. My second nod!

The hubby said that I am slowly entering into the runner's world/culture and asked me how I felt about it. Well, I still do not feel like I am a runner, but slowly I feel like I am being welcomed the more I run. The funny thing is, I've always hated running in public. I knew that I hated running, I was never slim enough to make anyone believe that I was ever a runner, and I am sure that I looked goofy running, and these reasons kept me from running in public. I always thought that people would think one of two things if they saw me running:
1. "Her fat-ass should be running"
2. "Boy she looks pathetic trying to run"

I know that this stems from me having horrible encounters with the most insensitive of people throughout my life. As we all recall, I have always had a problem with my weight. I will never forget the time when I told a family member that I lost 5 pounds. I was 14 years old, so proud of this achievement, and their response was "well, I can't see it." Or the time when I ordered a dessert to celebrate a good grade, the person next to me in line told his friend "now, you know she does not need to eat that," and there was only me and them in the cafe. I have had several encounters like this throughout my life, which has made me want to hide in my house and never want to be seen by anyone. So when I am running in public, on the streets of this city, or anywhere there are people around, I feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable because I am out there for everyone to see me struggle through this weakness, running. I guess I always thought that if people were not sensitive enough to be kind during the times of celebration, I did not need to expose my weakness for them to be even more cruel to me, during my times of struggle.

I am pretty sure that a lot of people felt invisible during high school and there was always someone that we wanted to acknowledge us in the slightest of ways, either through a nod, a smile, or a wink. I remember those days and when it happened, I could not help but think and feel that I finally mattered and that I was not invisible any more. And I cannot help but feel the same way every time another runner nods at me when I am trying to push through this journey. Finally the mean girls (and guys) have gone away and I am finally being noticed and celebrated for my effort. As I run more and get more nods, I am hoping, and finding, that my insecurities are slowly melting away.